When I first started working the Desire Map book, I chose ABUNDANT as my core desired feeling (CDF) for the financial area of my life. Of course that’s how I wanted to feel, right? “Cash raining down from the sky” kind of abundant.

There was something missing though in my ability to connect to the feeling of abundant. So in my next round (yes, there will be many), I chose RICH for the financial area of life. This was more of a tactile choice- feeling the richness of cashmere sweaters, drinking expensive coffee, and falling into plush, cozy couches in my living room. I love the word rich, how it rolls off my tongue, but again, I felt the disconnect.

I grew up within a legacy of constant financial anxiety.  We were not poor by any means. We ate well, lived in a modest home, had nice things, and took some great vacations. Yet within that life, I always had this feeling that we might run out; that we have to hold on tight or we might not have enough.  I know now that I learned that from my parents. And I think my parents learned it from their parents who lived in the scarcity of the Depression. My Nana had a ball of extra rubber bands as big as my head in the drawer next to a pile of twisters from bread bags going back 20 years. Yes, this is the thriftiness that may be a welcome addition in our current world of “throw everything out” but it carried another layer - one of fear and lack.

We could afford so many incredible opportunities yet, there was always this feeling of fear and lack around the family finances. I carry that with me today. It’s deep in my body….will there be enough for me? Will we run out?

And so it recently occurred to me that before I can live inside of RICH and ABUNDANT, I had to really know SECURE. I want to feel security in my financial life. It’s not sexy, but its real as fuck. And it feels good.  Real good.